They don’t know

They don’t know

Of your smothered hurts

How the scars and marks

Become your place

In spaces and exchanges

You didn’t invite yourself to begin with.

They don’t know

How the traces are never cleansed

They fester and ooze memories

Of repeated trauma

From the crowds of onlookers

Who point and stare.

They don’t know

How you rehearse being brave

They smile for your hurts

And sway others into thinking

Words do not wound

You return to your tasks seemingly fine.

They don’t know

How you long to sleep for tentative bliss

Pleading for a better morning

Without the inner voices

That assault without warning

You close your eyes for cure.

Forgive them for not knowing

They still don’t know.

Lessons learned from a year of quarantine

1. Take to heart the brevity of life. The onset of the COVID-19 pandemic reinstated in my consciousness how we are finite beings who have limited knowledge, understanding, and control in what will happen next. I remember it was in 2018 when I first embraced the idea of us as “leaving beings” coming from Moses’ prayer in Psalm 90; however, that notion slowly got subdued by many worries and fears. Indeed, a year of quarantine has resulted to a heightened awareness of our time here on earth, a greater appreciation of life as a gift from God who is infinite, and a continuous change of perspective in discerning, investing, and engaging in what truly matters.

“Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts.”

– Psalm 90:12 (CSB)

2. Quarantine also helped me address and re-evaluate how I spend my time. Staying at home longer than usual brought in the need for assessment in some areas of my life. There are days I couldn’t serve my own family for I excessively spend my energy at work, and then end up feeling like a failure. So really know what your pursuit is. Decide on what is good and wise to do given life’s limited number of heartbeats. Exercise loving and responsible stewardship. It’s still a developing area in my case, but I am grateful that God keeps on leading me to reorganize my priorities and dreams, to line them up with His commands, and to yield to more fruitful investment of mental and emotional energy in accordance with His priorities and agenda.

Only one life, ’twill soon be pastonly what’s done for Christ will last

C.T. Studd

3. As much as possible, always have a heart check. I couldn’t emphasize enough how quarantine scenarios exposed and unearthed a lot of things residing in my heart that generally go in contrary to what I profess – yes, surprisingly. Such testing of principles occur when I am surrounded by people who know me, when I am surrounded by people who don’t know me, and when it is as if no-one-knows-no-one-sees moment. It is crucial to keep this in mind: having convictions is one thing, standing firm in it is another. I am certainly not able to do the right things all the time, but the Right Thing to do is to ask the Holy Spirit to guide us and empower us moment by moment.

4. Lay it down at the feet of Jesus before social media. I heard from a video how lockdown made us always connecting but not connected. Especially in the Philippines, social media has become each and every one’s platform to express, communicate, and propagate ideas and thoughts. Not only that, it went beyond being a mere space to a prevailing source, if not main. Looking back, when I was struggling in the first few weeks of the quarantine, I observed I kept on posting about my restlessness in my social media accounts, trying to find comfort and resolve in the online world. There were also days when I processed my emotions looking through and typing in and scrolling the screen, instead of looking at it through His lens first and bringing everything to His feet. I am learning that staying connected to the True Source is not enough – it has to be our primary connection. This way, we will be able to approach our circumstances in light of what the Scripture says, and in an attitude of authenticity and humility.

5. Be a woman of eternal value. I’d like to close this blog entry with an excerpt from a poem entitled, Ten things God won’t ask on that day:

  1. God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you gave a lift to who didn’t have any transportation.
  2. God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
  3. God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your wardrobe, but He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
  4. God won’t ask what your highest salary was, but He’ll ask if you compromised your testimony to obtain it.
  5. God won’t ask what your job title was, but He’ll ask whether you performed your job to the best of your ability.
  6. God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you made sure you were a friend.
  7. God won’t ask in what neighbourhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated and behaved with your neighbours.
  8. God won’t ask about the colour of your skin, He’ll ask about the quality and growth of your character.
  9. God won’t ask you how much of your time you used watching television, but He will ask how much you used caring for others.

Slow but steady

All along I thought the gospel was only for unbelievers. Since I grew up in a Christian family, I was not in any way considering my dire need for the gospel – I already accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior many times, was baptized in public thrice, was teaching Sunday schoolers on a regular basis, leading a small group weekly and the list goes on.

Early recognition, even more, strengthened the belief that God is ‘okay’ with me. One of the first awards I got in high school was the ‘Bible thumper’ award, but academic excellence was the name of the game. I was perceived to be an achiever. People whom I’ve worked with and who know me would often say, “si Mariah ka eh. Hindi puedeng hindi mo kaya.” The pressure was so strong that I kept telling myself, “I must not fail.”

It wasn’t until I entered the workforce when I first tasted how awful failing was. The Lord granted my request as I got my dream job as my first profession. However, somewhere along the way, I lost my core. I made poor and unwise decisions, one after another. Suddenly, the so-called ‘achiever’ didn’t know what to do next. The worst part I was not capable of feeling anything – excitement, joy, wonder no more. I was distressed and devastated, to the extent that I almost took my life when I was far from home, in another country.

When I came back to the Philippines, my sister said she registered my name in the True Life Retreat. I was so hesitant to join because I was in the zone of avoiding social interaction at that time. With a heavy heart, I obeyed my parents and went to the activity. In September 2017, I saw my situation in light of who God is and finally understood what it means to accept Jesus Christ not only as my personal Savior but also the Lord over my life. I knew in my spirit every word of the acceptance prayer I uttered during the Retreat was a piece of my broken heart.

I consider the Unfold Retreat as one of the small beginnings on how God is unfolding me into the woman He wants me to be. The murkiness in my head was gradually replaced by the light of the Father’s love coming in. I became part of a D-group and a disciple of a leader who has been so patient and understanding. I can still remember my preference to just be with her in every session for I was still getting used to talking to people. Some were also convincing me to join the youth ministry right after the Retreat. But I learned how God intends to work out His purpose for me on a slow but steady note. For instance, the Holy Spirit helped me to get back first to the discipline of Bible reading and prayer then taught me the importance of fellowship. Two years after the Retreat, God finally allowed me to participate in Elevate-led activities.

Slow but steady does not always mean a steady rise. Matthew 3:8 tells us to produce fruit in keeping with repentance. The Lord made use of the series of setbacks in my life to teach me how we are in need of the gospel every day. God is also patiently changing my heart and working invisibly from within – slowly, secretly and silently. I thank the Lord for I am no longer after the grand moments based on this world’s standards but genuine, pure, and quiet workings of His Grace.